Stalker!: A Love Story
by cutflowers
Summary: Life is hard when you're an international superstar and your eleventh stalker is blackmailing you. AU, oneshot, L/M.


**Yeah, I really don't know. And I'm not sure what I can say to keep you away from this if the title and summary didn't do it already. **

———————————————

**Stalker! **

**(A Love Story)**

———————————————

The hairs on the back of Miley's neck prickled up. She slapped at them, but as soon as she took her hand away, they pricked right back up again. She couldn't shake the feeling that she was being watched. And she was Hannah Montana. She knew from being watched. Fans, paparazzi, random people on the street, she knew them all. This had more of a stalkerish feel to it.

Miley whirled around. There was nothing behind her but more racks of clothes. She turned back and flipped through the half-off shirts in front of her. Prick prick prick went the hairs. Yes. Definitely stalkerish. She wasn't even eighteen yet but she'd already had ten of them.

Under other circumstances, the appearance of number eleven wouldn't have bothered her. Call Roxy, get the cops sicced on him, it was pretty much routine by this point. There was just one problem. She wasn't Hannah now. She was Miley. And there wasn't any reason for anyone to be stalking Miley.

Maybe she was just imagining it. She left the shirt rack and headed for the shoe department, rubbing at the back of her neck. She rounded the aisle the size sixes were on and almost ran into a blonde girl who looked to be about her age.

"Oh my god," the blonde girl said. "It's you."

"Uh," Miley said. "Do I know you?"

"It's you," the girl repeated. "You're her!"

"Okay, then," Miley said, backing away slowly. "It was nice meeting you and all, but I don't have a clue what you're talking about, so I'm just gonna leave now."

The blonde girl followed her. "Wait," she said, grabbing Miley's sleeve. "You're really her. I mean, I knew you were, but it's still crazy to see it up close."

Miley pulled her arm free. "I think you're mistaking me for someone else."

"No, I'm not. You're – " The girl leaned in close. Her breath smelled like tacos. "Hannah Montana."

Shit. "What?" Miley forced herself to laugh. "That's insane. I'm not – " She dropped her voice to a whisper. "_Hannah Montana_."

"Yes, you are. I have proof." The girl pulled a camera from her bag and turned the screen towards Miley, who blinked, trying to focus on it. It took a minute, but then she realized she was watching video of herself. As Hannah. After the concert she'd done last night. Video of herself as Hannah after the concert last night, shot in a parking garage through the window of her daddy's truck as she took off the wig and turned back into Miley after switching cars from the limo. Shit!

"You followed me and took video of me changing?" she yelled.

Everyone in the store swiveled to look at them.

The stalker quickly shoved the video camera into her bag. "It's okay," she called out to them, giggling nervously. "We're just...practicing for a play. For school. Tickets go on sale Monday. Support the drama club!"

"I knew it," Miley hissed at her as everyone started to turn their attention elsewhere again. She was so freaking pissed off right now. Damn stalker! She was going to ruin everything! "I knew I had a stalker!"

"Hey, I'm not a stalker!" her stalker protested.

"You fol—" Miley lowered her voice. Last thing she needed was everyone staring at the stalker with her damn video. "You followed me and took video of me changing! That's stalking, _stalker_."

Her stalker frowned. "But I did it for a good cause!"

"Give me that camera."

"No!"

"Yes!" Miley grabbed for the bag. The stalker twisted it out of her grasp.

"I made other copies!" she whispered hotly. "I'm not stupid, you know."

Miley straightened, breathing heavily. "Oh, sorry," she apologized, sarcastic. "I didn't realize you were an _intelligent_ psycho stalker."

"I'm not psycho! You really need to stop making snap judgments about people. It's not cool."

Her stalker was seriously insane. "What do you want to keep your mouth shut and give me all the copies of that? Money? How much?"

"I don't want money."

"What, then?"

The stalker took a deep breath. "I want you to come to my prom."

———————————————

Traffic on the highway was murder. Or perhaps Miley was just feeling that way because she was trapped in a car with her _stalker_. Who had basically forced Miley out of the store.

"Your prom?" Miley had said. "Why the hell do you want me to go to your prom?"

"Look, why don't we go somewhere a little more private to discuss this?" the stalker asked.

"I'm not going anywhere with you," Miley said. "Especially not somewhere private. You'll probably chop me into pieces and throw me in a ditch somewhere."

The stalker crossed her arms over her chest. "Fine. Let's discuss it here then. In front of all these people. We can talk all about how you're Han—"

Miley clapped a hand over her mouth. "All right! We'll go somewhere else." The stalker's mouth moved against her hand and Miley snatched it away. "What?"

"I said, let's go to your house."

"No way! I'm not showing you where I live!"

"Why not? I already know where it is." She recited Miley's address. "I've been there tons of times."

God, Miley hated this stalker! She was the absolute worst! "You have some serious problems," she informed her.

"I know," the stalker said. "Why do you think I need your help? Can we get a move on?"

What choice did she have? "Fine. But I'm driving."

And that was how she ended up in her car, driving her stalker back to her house. A Hannah song came on the radio and the stalker cranked up the volume. "Does that ever feel weird?" she asked, moving around in her seat. Miley thought it was supposed to be a dance, but it looked more like a seizure.

"What? Chauffeuring my _stalker_ around? Yeah, it feels pretty damn weird."

The stalker rolled her eyes. "No. Hearing yourself on the radio."

Miley turned it off. "Not anymore. Now will you just tell me why you want me to go to your stupid prom so we can get this over with?"

Her stalker slid down in her seat a little and looked out the window. "I'll tell you when we get there."

———————————————

Miley's dad was home. "Oh my god, Robby Ray!" the stalker squealed. She turned and whispered to Miley, "I totally forgot he'd be here!" Then she ran into the kitchen and beamed up at him. "I just want you to know, my mom is your biggest fan!"

Robby Ray grinned. "Well, your mom must have excellent taste, then."

"Oh, it's not just her," the stalker enthused. "My whole family loves you! We used to listen to your albums on car trips because they were the only ones we could all agree on."

"Mile, I love this girl!" Robby Ray proclaimed. Her dad was so easy. "Where'd you find her?"

"I didn't," Miley said, shutting the door and going into the kitchen. "She found me. Because she's a _stalker_."

"You know, Miley doesn't invite many friends over," her dad said to her stalker. "But I sure am glad she asked you. You want to stay for dinner? We're having spaghetti."

"Oh my god, that would be awesome!" the stalker said.

Miley gaped at them. "She can't stay for dinner! She's a stalker!"

They both stared at her for a minute, silent.

"I love spaghetti," the stalker said slowly, turning back to Miley's dad.

"Just you wait," Robby Ray said. "You haven't really had spaghetti until you've had it with my secret sauce."

Her stalker stuck her nose over the big pot bubbling on the stove and inhaled deeply. "It smells _sooo_ good. I'm starving! Thank you so much for inviting me, I know this must have taken a lot of work to make."

"Did you miss the part where I said she's a stalker?" Miley yelled.

"I'm Lilly, by the way," the stalker said. "Lilly Truscott."

"Pleasure meeting you, Lilly," Miley's dad said. "You're welcome here anytime." He narrowed his eyes at Miley. "I wish my own children would show that kind of appreciation for what I do around here."

"Stalker?" Miley tried again. "Hello? Anyone hearing me?"

"You two girls run along upstairs now," Robby Ray said. "I'll call you when dinner's ready."

"Are you sure you don't need any help?" the stalker asked. "I could set the table."

Miley marched over, grabbed her by the ear, and started pulling her upstairs. She was going to get to the bottom of this. _Now_. "Ow!" her stalker yelped. "Ow, ow, ow!" Served her right.

"Seriously," Miley's dad called after them. "Anytime! You're always welcome!"

———————————————

The stalker bounced up and down on Miley's bed. Great. She had a six-year-old for a stalker. "Knock it off," Miley ordered. "Now tell me what I have to do to get rid of that video and never see you again. I so do not need another stalker right now."

"I know, right?" her stalker said. "I mean, three is way more than enough."

What the... "Three?"

"Yeah. Joe, Molly, and Patrick. Although I guess it's just two now. We had to get rid of Patrick. He was creepy. He kept asking us to test his chloroform rags."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Here, look." The stalker pulled that damn camera out and flipped through a couple pictures, showing one to Miley. The stalker stood in front of a cardboard cutout of a cartoon monster, a boy and a girl on either side of her. "That's me with Joe and Molly. We went to the movies last Thursday."

"Those people are stalking me?"

"Duh. They're pretty obvious about it. Don't tell them I said this, but they're not all that smart. No offense or anything."

"Why would I be offended that my stalkers are stupid?"

Her stalker shrugged. "I don't know, but they are. They haven't even figured out that you're Hannah Montana." She frowned. "Or that Hannah is you. Whatever. You know what I mean."

"Not once so far," Miley said. "You didn't tell them?"

"Why would I tell them?"

"I don't know! And you're not all that smart either. At least none of them ever got caught." Why the hell was she defending her stalkers? Assuming they actually were stalking her, and the stalker wasn't just making that up. Miley wouldn't put it past her.

"I didn't get caught. I wanted to meet you. Otherwise how else could I ask you to come to my prom?"

"And why the hell do you want me to come to your prom?"

"I don't _want_ you to come, I _need_ you to come." Her stalker jumped up and started pacing around the room. "See, it all started when I was nine – " Miley sank down on the bed, trying not to groan. As if things weren't bad enough, now she was going to have to listen to her stalker's entire life story! " – and that bitch Joannie Palumbo knocked my ice cream into the sand and then cut my balloon string. Everyone else thinks she's great, because she acts all nice in front of them, but as soon as they turn their backs she's a total bitch to me!"

Damn! Miley knew a bitch like that! This bitch Joannie Palumbo sounded just like Mikayla!

"And then to top it off, she went and stole Oliver, my best friend since preschool, and made him her boyfriend and now I never see him!"

Holy shit! That was just like how Mikayla stole Jake from her! "That bitch!" Miley said.

"I know! And then – " The stalker started waving her arms around wildly. " – and then, at lunch one day, I tried to sit with them because I miss Oliver, and he went to the bathroom and she started making fun of me for having no friends and how I was so much of a loser that no one in school even wanted me to come to prom, and finally I just snapped and was like, 'Oh, yeah? Well, you're wrong, because I'm friends with Hannah Montana and I could get her to play for prom!' And everyone heard me and now they're all expecting Hannah Montana to come to prom. Except for Joannie, who doesn't believe me, and she's going around telling everyone there's no way I can get Hannah Montana to come to prom and she made me bet whoever was wrong would have to shave half their head! And..." The stalker dropped her arms and looked at Miley. "And that's why I need you to come to my prom."

Miley understood. You couldn't let the bitches get you down. Everything was starting to make sense now. Except... "Why me? Why did you pick me?"

"Some kid was playing one of your songs on her iPod and I could hear it," her stalker said. "So I guess I just thought of you when I started yelling at Joannie. You know, that 'Oops, I Did It Again' song."

Miley stared at her. "That's not my song! That's Britney Spears!"

The stalker scrunched up her nose. "Really? Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure!" Miley shouted. "I know my own songs!"

"Okay, okay," the stalker said. "Geez, you don't have to get so upset. Sorry I don't know your whole discography by heart. I have other things going on in my life, you know."

"Oh my god," Miley said. "You are the worst stalker ever!"

"I'm not a stalker!"

"Whatever, _stalker_. How long have you been following me around?"

Her stalker looked down at the floor. "...Two weeks. But that's just how long it took me to get proof that you're Hannah so you'll play the prom! I can't let that bitch Joannie Palumbo beat me!"

"And if I play your prom, you'll delete the video? _Every_ copy?"

"Cross my heart and hope to die," the stalker said, dragging a finger over her heart in a crisscross.

Miley thought about the situation. She really had to get rid of that video, and it was just one little prom. Plus, she hated it when bitches won! It went against everything Hannah Montana stood for! (Be yourself, not a bitch.)

She spat in her palm and held it out, and after a second the stalker spat in her own palm and they shook on it. "Deal."

———————————————

Miley had the most talkative stalker in the world. Seriously, Miley didn't understand how she'd managed to shut up long enough to stalk her for two weeks without getting caught. All through dinner it was talk talk talk talk talk, even with her mouth full, which was most of the time, since she ate about as much as Jackson. Didn't her stalker's mother ever teach her _manners_?

Miley glared at her the whole time, just so her stalker would know she wasn't welcome here, no matter what Miley's dad said.

"Lilly, do you need Miley to drive you home?" Robby Ray asked once they all finished. What the hell! She wasn't her stalker's chauffer!

"No, it's okay. My house is just a few minutes from here." Fantastic. Her stalker lived within walking distance.

"I didn't realize you were so close," Robby Ray said. "Do you to Seaview? That's where Jackson went. Miley would have too, if she hadn't done homeschooling."

"Yeah, I'm a senior there," her stalker said. She turned to Miley. "Isn't that weird? What if we'd gone to school together? We could have been friends!"

"Yeah, right," Miley snorted. "Like I would ever be friends with a stalker, _stalker_."

"I have a name," the stalker said. "It's Lilly."

Right. Because Miley was going to waste time learning her stalker's name.

The stalker got up from the table. "That was delicious, Mr. Stewart. Thank you so much for making it and letting me stay for dinner. And my mom's going to totally freak when I give her that autographed picture of you." She took her plate from the table over to the sink.

Robby Ray watched her. "Mile, you need to spend more time with this girl. I really think she could be a good influence on you."

"Daddy. She's a _stalker_. A stalking stalker who's stalking me!"

"Did you see how she ate everything on her plate? Neatly? And look, she just put her plate in the dishwasher! The dishwasher, Mile!"

"Did I mention she has video of me changing from Hannah to Miley and she's blackmailing me into going to her prom?"

Her dad didn't take his eyes from the dishwasher. "Oh, well that'll be nice, bud. I'm sure you two will have fun."

"Daddy! We're not going to have fun! It's blackmail!"

Her stalker came back to the table. "Could I clear your plate for you, Mr. Stewart?" She took it from him and went back to the sink.

Tears gathered at the corners of Robby Ray's eyes. "It's just so beautiful," he said, wiping at the moisture. "It's like a beautiful, beautiful miracle."

Something told Miley her father wasn't going to be much help.

———————————————

The next morning, Miley got woken up by a text message at 7:30. _hey just wanted to say thx again. cant wait 4 prom!_

So her stalker knew her phone number _and_ she was an early riser. This just kept getting better. Also, Miley didn't remember her ever saying thanks a first time.

_get your ass over here. NOW._

If she was going to do this, she was at least going to get some small modicum of enjoyment from it. And that meant shopping. Shopping on her stalker's dime.

———————————————

The stalker burst through Miley's bedroom door five minutes later. _Without_ knocking.

"What is it? What happened? Is something wrong? Did you change your mind?"

"Just how far away do you live?" Miley asked suspiciously, not even out of bed yet. Her stalker had gotten here awfully fast. She hadn't been stalking Miley again, had she?

"Ten minutes, but I ran the whole way," the stalker said, and she was all red-faced and sucking in air like a Hoover, so maybe Miley believed her.

"Turn around and shut your eyes," Miley ordered.

"What?"

"I have to get dressed, and at least this way I'll know you aren't watching me."

"Oh, please," said her stalker, rolling her eyes but nevertheless turning around. "Don't flatter yourself."

"You're the one with video of me changing!"

"You're taking a wig off, not stripping naked!"

"Whatever, _stalker_."

"I'm not a stalker!"

"Okay, you can turn around now."

The stalker crossed her arms over her chest. "Is this why you dragged me over here? So you could get dressed?"

"No. We're going shopping."

Her stalker went very pale. "Shopping?"

"Shopping. When's the prom?"

"Next Saturday."

"So we don't have a lot of time. We'll have to try to get everything done today."

"Uh, I don't really, um, do shopping."

"You do now," Miley informed her. "If I'm going to perform, I need a new outfit. So if you really want to show up that bitch Joannie Palumbo, then we're going shopping."

The stalker's eyes narrowed into pissed-off slits. "Man, I hate that bitch Joannie Palumbo!"

Miley nodded sagely. She knew all about hating bitches. "Shopping it is."

———————————————

It took five hours and eight different stores, but Miley finally found the perfect outfit. And then her stalker claimed she didn't have enough money to pay for it!

"You made me buy you lunch!" she said. "I only have thirty dollars left!"

Lunch had been twenty dollars, which meant her stalker had taken her shopping with only fifty dollars. What kind of an outfit was Miley supposed to get for fifty dollars? Hannah had a reputation to maintain!

After Miley had to pay for her own outfit, she realized that her stalker really couldn't be trusted to handle anything by herself, so she said, "Okay, I'm taken care of. What are you wearing?"

Right away, she could tell it was a good thing she'd asked, because her stalker started looking very, very guilty, and more than a little afraid. "Me?" she said. "Oh. I, um...I have a nice pair of pants?"

A nice pair of _pants_. It was worse than Miley had thought. "No."

"But they're really nice! And I wasn't really planning on going to prom until this whole mess happened, so..."

"No! I'm not going to pretend to be the friend of a girl who wears _pants_ to prom!"

"I'm not a dress person!"

"Everyone's a dress person when it comes to prom! We're going back to the first store. I saw something there that might look good on you."

"Do we have to? We've been shopping for five hours already!"

"Depends," Miley said. "Do you want Hannah to play your prom so you can rub it in that bitch Joannie Palumbo's face when she has to shave half her head?"

"Yes," said the stalker, all sulky about it. Her stalker was such a baby! Not to mention inconsiderate. She was the one blackmailing Miley and here was Miley having to do all the work!

"Then we're going back to that store and you're wearing a damn dress!"

Her stalker's lower lip poked out. "No one ever told me revenge was going to be so _hard_!"

"Don't worry," Miley said. "When we're finished, you can buy me dinner."

For some reason, that didn't seem to cheer her stalker up.

———————————————

It took another three hours for them to find The One.

"Yes," Miley said, sweeping her eyes up and down over her stalker's body. "That's definitely it."

"Really?" her stalker asked. Her hands were hovering in the air around her body, like she couldn't decide which part was most important to cover up. "It's just, I mean, you know. It shows a lot of skin."

"You want to show skin," Miley said, licking her lips. "Skin is good." Especially skin like that, so smooth and creamy it was practically begging you to lap at it like you were a cat.

"Are you sure?" She crossed her arms, hugging her own shoulders, her elbows squashing her breasts flat. Pity.

"Past it. Trust me, everyone at that prom is going to want to eat you."

Her stalker eeped – Miley hadn't known people actually made that noise in real life – and blushed, a delicate, tomato-red stain flooding from her face and neck down her chest and under the dress. Miley wondered with great interest precisely how far down it went and how she might go about determining that.

Wait. No. She wasn't wondering anything of the kind! "Go put your clothes back on," she ordered. "We're getting that one."

Her stalker dropped her arms to reach for the price tag, delightfully unsquashing her breasts. "But it's three hundred dollars!" she protested.

"My treat," Miley purred.

———————————————

Miley was having a pretty shitty week. First of all, her dad kept inviting her stalker over for dinner. And her stalker kept coming, like, what the hell? Didn't her stalker's parents know how to cook? And Miley was studying photography right now, and Sunday night her stalker totally filled up the entire memory card on Miley's super awesome digital camera taking pictures of herself! Even though she had her own camera, which Miley knew very well since her stalker was using it to blackmail her!

And then she even printed out a picture of herself smiling like some kind of smiling idiot and taped it to Miley's mirror. Miley was too shocked to stop her, because, hello! Ink cost money! And paper didn't grow on trees! And it wasn't like Miley _wanted_ a picture of her stalker taped to her mirror.

She kept forgetting to take it down, and now she had to look at it every morning while she was doing her make-up.

Then on Monday night her stalker got into a watermelon seed spitting contest with Jackson on the back porch, and Miley slipped and fell in all of that disgustingness when she went out to tell them dinner was ready. And by the time she got finished de-grossing herself in the shower, they'd eaten all the drumsticks.

But even that wasn't as bad as Tuesday night, because that was the night Miley's dad got a phone call and found out that Taylor Swift had to drop out of their charity concert on Friday due to a bad case of gangrene, and they'd gotten that bitch Mikayla to sing with her instead. The news necessitated about twenty minutes of constant, horrified screaming, followed by approximately three hours, seventeen minutes, and thirty-two seconds of moaning on the couch.

"Why would they want Mikayla?" her stalker asked when she arrived and was brought up to speed by Robby Ray. "She only has one song. And it sucks." Miley stopped moaning long enough to smirk. At least her stalker had good taste in music.

Miley was too upset to eat dinner, but afterwards her stalker made her an ice cream sundae with three scoops of chocolate ice cream, hot fudge sauce, whipped cream, mini chocolate chips, and sprinkles. It was actually a pretty nice thing to do, so Miley hadn't put much effort into pointing out how stalkerish it was that she'd gotten it exactly how Miley liked, right down to two cherries on top.

(Plus, when Miley _did_ start to bring it up, her stalker and gotten all, like, _offended_, and said she'd just asked Miley's dad. Like Miley was supposed to know what her stalker knew from stalking and what she knew from being thoughtful!)

"Mikayla stole my boyfriend," Miley told her, forlornly pushing her spoon around the ice cream bowl and slowly swirling everything together into a delicious chocolate mess.

"That bitch!" Lilly said, and Miley nodded. It was the truest of very true facts. Miley had unfortunately had the opportunity to verify its accuracy on more than one occasion. Then her stalker shook her head and said, "What a freaking dumbass!"

"Mikayla? Not really." That bitch Mikayla possessed a certain kind of devious cunning.

"Not Mikayla," her stalker said. "Your boyfriend."

Oh. Well. "It was Jake Ryan."

Her stalker snorted. "That explains it."

Miley giggled and shoved a giant spoonful of ice cream in her mouth. It was kind of surprising how much ice cream could help when you were having a shitty week.

———————————————

Wednesday night Miley did a cd signing at the Wal-mart Supercenter out in West Hills. The place was, like, completely mobbed, and even though they closed the line after an hour Miley was still there an extra three signing things. And then on the way out to the limo one of the employees told her some flowers had been left for her. Miley made her dad hold them so she could read the note that came with them. She unfolded it to find that the words had been cut out of magazines.

**HI han n ah ! What ' S your F ave color ? I love YOU ! other People DO two but i love You most . WILL you Marry me ?**

Damn stalkers!

They got outside and all the people who hadn't been able to get into the signing surged around her. Roxy and her dad and a few hapless Wal-mart employees who definitely weren't getting paid enough for this tried to keep everyone back.

"Stalker!" Miley yelled.

"Where?" Roxy demanded, glaring around like a puma.

"I have a name!" her stalker shouted from somewhere in the crowd.

Miley's hand hurt and she was in no mood. "LILLY!"

She popped out of the crowd. "What?"

Miley shoved her to the limo and then in it. "Stalk much?" Miley asked, once Roxy and Robby Ray were in and the door was shut.

"I'm not stalking you," her stalker said. "I was here with Joe and Molly. _They're_ stalking you." She turned her back on Miley. "Hi, Mr. Stewart! Hi, Roxy! I brought you guys stuff!"

"Well, it is so sweet of you to think of me, honey," Roxy said.

"Such a treat to see you again," said Miley's dad.

"Roxy, I brought you a sports drink so you can stay hydrated."

"You know how my electrolytes get depleted after being on high alert."

"And Mr. Stewart, for you, some mini chocolate chip muffins my mom made."

"Such a lovely child," Robby Ray said, his eyes misting over.

"And so well brought up," Roxy added.

"I didn't realize stalking was part of a good upbringing," Miley said acidly. Everyone ignored her. "And wait, how do you even know Roxy?"

Her stalker looked slightly ashamed. "We met while I was, um, _following_ you. Roxy was really helpful."

Miley was outraged. "What! Roxy, you're my bodyguard! You're supposed to protect me!"

"I do protect you, sugar. When you need it. I know you don't think you need protecting from this beautiful girl right here. Look at her. She's an angel."

Her stalker smiled winningly. Miley wasn't buying it. She couldn't believe her bodyguard was helping her stalker! How long had that been going on? Roxy had been guarding her... "Roxy, you were with me after the concert last week! Did you tell Lilly about the parking garage?"

Roxy got shifty eyes and wouldn't look at her. "She said she needed to be there for a project she was working on! For school! You know how I feel about education!"

"Roxy!"

"Oh, calm down! Everything turned out all right, didn't it?"

"No! I'm being blackmailed!"

"But it's for a good cause!" her stalker interrupted. Miley glared at her, then tossed the note in her lap.

"You know anything about this?"

She unfolded it and giggled a little. "That's Joe. Poor Joe. Even when he cuts words out of magazines, he still ends up spelling things wrong."

"Damn stalkers," Miley muttered. She clenched her hand open and closed and jabbed at it with her other thumb. It really hurt. Damn autographs.

"Joe's harmless. He just needs a hobby. Or a girlfriend. And Molly, I think she's just there for Joe. And you know, you're actually really lucky you have such stupid stalkers. Otherwise they'd figure out you're Hannah for sure."

"Especially since apparently even my _bodyguard_ actively helps them."

Lilly sighed. "I'm not a stalker." She put the note down and took Miley's hand, massaging it with both of hers. "How many times do I have to tell you that?"

Miley was going to take her hand back, but whatever her stalker was doing felt really, really good.

———————————————

God really had it out for Miley. That was the only explanation for why she'd been praying since Tuesday for a freak snowstorm to hit southern California and cancel the charity concert and one hadn't appeared.

"It's _May_, Mile," her daddy said when she told him that. "And we're in L.A." That didn't mean God didn't hate her!

So now, all because God hated her guts for some reason Miley didn't even _know_, she had to go do the charity concert with that bitch Mikayla. And to make a sucky situation suck with even more suck, the whole time Miley was getting ready and driving in the limo to the arena and walking backstage to her dressing room, she kept getting this nagging feeling that she was forgetting something. Miley hated that! It was so annoying!

Just like her stalker, who was waiting in Miley's dressing room. "Hi!" she said, bouncing toward Miley and hugging her. Her stalker had no respect for personal space!

Miley was all set to make a biting comment about stalkers and their tendency to show up places because they were stalking people, but Lilly headed her off with, "Your dad invited me. And Roxy."

"Whatever," Miley said. She was a little distracted because suddenly it didn't feel like she was forgetting anything anymore.

"And, oh my god, you would not believe how jealous Joe and Molly were when they found out I got to go backstage! I'm supposed to get autographs. Joe wanted one on his underwear – " Miley wrinkled her nose in disgust. " – but I said no." Thank God. Maybe this was his way of calling a truce.

Miley started to get ready, and her stalker did that whole talk talk talk talk thing that she did. It was crazy annoying, but, like, kind of in a soothing way. Because when Miley was listening to her, she didn't have to think about having to do a concert with that bitch Mikayla.

Then the bitch in question had the nerve to interrupt Miley's stalker by knocking on the dressing room door. What the hell, Miley thought, yanking open the door. You didn't go around interrupting other people's stalkers! That was just rude!

"What do you want, Mik-bitch?"

That bitch Mikayla smirked. "Original. You can't do any better than that? And who's this, your little girlfriend? President and sole member of the Hannah Montana fan club?"

"I'll have you know," Miley said coldly, drawing herself up. "That she is my _stalker_."

"Puh-leez," scoffed Mikayla. "Like anyone would want to stalk _you_."

"Hey, she has two stalkers!" Lilly said. "And she would have three if I hadn't called the cops on Patrick!"

"Whatever," Mikayla sneered. "I have like five stalkers."

"You do not! My friend Oliver's mom is a detective, and she told me you've _never_ had a stalker. Just a bunch of death threats."

"Aw," Miley cooed with fake sympathy. "Poor Mikayla. Seems like people don't want to see you unless you're _dead_. Are you here tonight because the only way you can get people to listen to you sing is if you piggyback on one of my concerts?"

"I'm going to wipe the floor with you tonight, bitch," Mikayla hissed at her. "And not everyone's here for you. I know _Jake_ isn't." She tossed her hair over one shoulder and strode off down the hall.

"Wow," Lilly said. "You were right. What a bitch!"

Somehow her stalker always knew the right thing to say.

———————————————

They wanted Miley to sing first. What the hell! She wasn't going to open for Mikayla! And then they actually wanted Miley to sing a _duet_ with her. And introduce her before it! What the double hell! She wasn't going to sing with that bitch!

"Mile, you agreed to this," her daddy said.

"No, I didn't! I agreed to sing with Taylor! Not that b—" Miley remembered who she was talking to. Her daddy was not above washing mouths out with soap. "Not Mikayla!"

"Get out on the stage, Miley! Or you're not going to prom tomorrow night!"

"I don't even _want_ to go to the stupid prom! I'm only going because I'm being blackmailed!"

Her stalker was looking at her with sad puppy dog eyes. Miley groaned. "Fine! I'll sing with Mikayla!"

There was no truce. God seriously hated her. It was like she owed him money or something.

———————————————

That bitch Mikayla stood in the wings during Miley's entire performance, smirking her evil bitch smirk like a knife she was throwing right into Miley's trachea. Smirking and blowing kisses to Jake sitting in the front row. That bitch!

Just to show her, Miley kicked ass, took names, and generally brought the house down. People were going to leave right after she finished because there wasn't even going to be any point sticking around to hear that second-rate bitch try to sing. The fire department was going to have to evacuate the arena because Miley was _burning the stage up_.

It still came time to do the introduction and sing the duet. Miley had a chokehold on her mike. She was imagining it was that bitch Mikayla's scrawny little neck.

"And now, a special treat for you," Miley said into it. You get to see me sing this bitch off the stage. "Here with me tonight is – " Mikayla took a step forward. She was going to come out without even waiting for Miley to finish introducing her! That bitch!

But just as Mikayla was about to take the step that would carry her out onto the stage, Miley's stalker appeared next to her, stuck her foot out, and tripped her.

Mikayla went sprawling face first. She slid halfway across the stage and came to a stop at Miley's feet. The entire arena reacted with stunned silence. Lilly grinned at Miley and gave her a thumbs up. She had her camera in her other hand.

After a moment, Miley brought the microphone back to her lips. "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mikayla!"

The arena roared with laughter and Mikayla scrambled to her feet, glaring at Miley, spots of color high on her cheeks. "Well, I guess you did wipe the floor," Miley told her. "Just not with _me_."

Mikayla growled, her hands curling into fists. Miley gave a signal and the music started up. Mikayla came in a measure too late on her part, but that was probably, Miley thought charitably, because people were still laughing so loud it was hard for her to hear her cue.

Turned out? Miley's stalker could be kind of awesome.

———————————————

Miley's dad invited her stalker over to the house after the concert. Without even asking Miley! But she was too busy floating on the euphoria of Mikayla's face-plant to care. And really, having her stalker come over didn't seem like such a bad idea. Purely because Miley really wanted to watch the video she'd taken of Mikayla's fall, of course.

So they went back to the house and Miley took a shower, and when she got out her stalker had violated her personal property and gotten on Miley's laptop! Her stalker had a lot of nerve! But she'd also downloaded the Mikayla video and had it ready to play, so Miley let it slide.

"You're not even going to believe it," Lilly said, smiling up at Miley from her position cross-legged on the bed. "Like fifty people have already uploaded different videos of Mikayla to YouTube. It's awesome, you can see it from every angle."

They watched every single one of the videos, and then somehow that turned into them watching Jackson's _Lord of the Rings_ dvds because her stalker had some weird obsession with Orlando Bloom. And even though Miley hated those movies, it was kind of nice, sitting side-by-side on the bed, watching them and eating popcorn, just her and her stalker.

It was pretty late after that, so it just made sense that her stalker would stay the night. Miley went to the bathroom to brush her teeth, and when she came back her stalker had totally stolen some of her pajamas! Miley could have said plenty about that but she didn't, because her daddy had raised her up right, and that included being a good hostess. Plus Lilly might have looked cuter in them than Miley did anyway.

"Goodnight, Miley," Lilly said from her spot on the floor, and that was kind of nice, too. Miley hadn't really had anyone stay over in a while.

Miley yawned and rolled over in her bed. "Night, stalker," she murmured.

———————————————

Miley woke to the creepy, hair-crawling sensation of being watched. She opened her eyes and saw her stalker's face looming out of the darkness. "Ahhh!" Miley yelled.

"Ahh!" her stalker screamed, falling backwards off the bed.

"What the hell are you doing?" Miley shouted.

"I, um..." Her stalker gripped the blankets and used them to pull herself upright. "I was...watching you sleep?" She clambered up and sat on the edge of the bed.

"And why the hell," Miley said. "Were you watching me sleep?"

"It's romantic?"

"It's not romantic, it's creepy!"

"It was romantic when Edward did it!"

"No, it wasn't! It was still creepy! And why the hell would you be trying to be romantic anyway?"

"Oh," Lilly said. "Well, I, um. Okay. Fine. I wasn't watching you sleep. I just...I needed to ask you something, but I was nervous and I couldn't make myself do it and I kind of got stuck in between waking you up or going back to bed."

"What?" Miley said.

"I said, I needed to ask you som—"

"_What_?" She just wanted to go back to sleep.

"Oh. Uh...I was wondering if...ifyouwouldgotothepromwithme?"

What the hell. Her stalker woke her up for this? "I'm already going to the prom with you," Miley pointed out.

"No, you're going to the prom to sing," her stalker said. "I'm asking if you'll _go_ to the prom. With me."

Oh. Okay. She was pretty much awake now. "Hannah can't go to your prom with you," Miley said quietly.

"I wasn't asking Hannah," Lilly said, barely above a whisper.

Oh. "Why do you want me to go? I don't even go to your school."

"I know. But you're hot."

Miley was glad of the darkness.

"And, well...I sort of made another bet with that bitch Joannie Palumbo. Because she said that there was no freaking way Hannah Montana would be friends with me when everyone knows I'm so much of a loser that I couldn't even get a date to prom! And I couldn't let her get away with that, so I said that not only did I have a date to prom, mine was hotter than hers! And then she said fine, whoever had the less hot date would have to shave the other side of her head!"

Of course. Miley should have known. It all came back to that bitch Joannie Palumbo.

"And now, I don't know, I guess everyone thought I wouldn't dare say that stuff about knowing Hannah if it wasn't true, but they all _know_ I'm a loser and I can't get a date for prom, so now they kind of don't believe that Hannah's coming anymore and everyone's making fun of me and if I show up without a date I'll never live it down!"

Lilly finally paused for air, sucking it in. Miley didn't say anything. "Well?" her stalker asked after a minute.

"Why does everyone think you're a loser?" Miley asked. That was just completely ridiculous. Her stalker was not a loser! Miley would know!

"Miley," Lilly said. "I'm asking _you_ to prom."

Oh. Well in that case, Miley kind of thought _everyone_ at Lilly's school was a bitch, not just Joannie Palumbo. And Miley wasn't going to let bitches like that make fun of her stalker! And Lilly did still have that video of Miley changing out of her Hannah disguise. And really, it wasn't like Miley was going to get another chance to go to prom. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay. I'll go to prom with you." It was dark and Miley couldn't see much, but she definitely caught the flash of Lilly's smile.

"Thanks." Her stalker slithered off the bed and over to her sleeping bag. Miley let her have exactly one minute of peace and happiness before she spoke.

"You do realize this means we're going to have to go shopping tomorrow, right?"

"But..." Miley grinned at the note of desperation in her stalker's voice. "But we already went shopping!"

"Yeah, but now I need something to wear."

"We got you something to wear!"

"We got Hannah an outfit to perform in. If I'm going to the prom, I'm gonna need a _dress_."

The sweet sound of her stalker's piteous moan lulled Miley into a satisfied slumber.

———————————————

"I, uh – ," her stalker stammered. Miley had exited the dressing room almost five minutes ago and Lilly had yet to form a complete sentence. Or word. "Y—I—w—um. It—_wow_."

Miley looked down at the dress currently covering her body. She moved her leg so that the slit in the dress's skirt bared it up to her thigh. Lilly made a sound like she was being strangled.

Well. Prom was tonight. They didn't have much time. This would have to do.

"I'll take it," she told the clerk.

"Glurgh," said Lilly.

———————————————

Her stalker cleaned up well.

"Oh my god," she said as they pulled up in the limo. "I can't wait to see everyone's faces when we walk in and they see how hot you are."

Miley climbed out of the limo and put a hand down to help Lilly out. "Are a lot of people you go to school with blind or something?" Jackson had never mentioned anything about it, but Miley figured it wouldn't hurt to check. She wasn't going to get all sweaty dancing around the stage if these people weren't going to be able to appreciate it.

"No, why?"

"Why else wouldn't they realize I'm not the hot one?"

Lilly stumbled. Miley gathered she didn't wear high heels very often. "You think I'm hot?" she asked. Miley took her hand and pulled her towards the door. Her stalker could be so slow sometimes!

———————————————

The place was decorated with balloons and streamers like something out of a six-year-old's birthday party. Miley wondered if her stalker was on the decorating committee. There was also a large banner that announced this was _A Night in Paris_. Her stalker hadn't told her there was a theme! Miley would have flown them both to Paris and they could have gotten dresses there!

Miley had assumed that some kind of dramatic pause would be necessary upon their entrance to give the other students an opportunity to display their shock. And if anyone said anything bitchy, Miley was going to kick their ass! She might have been looking forward to it a little bit. But no one said anything except Lilly, who just said, "Oh, there's Oliver. Come on, I want you to meet him," and pulled her into the room. No one even looked at the two of them! So far prom was a massive disappointment!

And Oliver seriously needed to cut back on the gel in his hair. "Oh, so you're Miley," he said. "Lilly hasn't stopped talking about you all week."

Really?

"Shut up, Oliver," Lilly hissed.

"I mean, you'd think she'd be more excited about Hannah coming, but n—ow! Stop kicking me!"

"Stop being a donut!"

They were definitely best friends.

"Where's that bitch Joannie Palumbo?" Lilly asked.

"Lilly! We agreed you'd stop calling her that when I started going out with her!"

"You agreed! I'll stop calling her a bitch when she stops being a bitch!"

"Olliekins, I found out we can get our picture taken for – Oh. _She's_ here?" That bitch Joannie Palumbo totally had a bitch face. Miley wasn't surprised.

"Nice to see you, too, Joannie," Lilly said. "I hope you're ready to shave your head." She linked her arm through Miley's and pulled her closer. Miley noticed her stalker smelled really good tonight. "I'd like you to meet my date."

Joannie looked Miley over. "Please," she said to Lilly. "I'm supposed to believe someone like her would go out with you? You probably had to pay her to come tonight."

Miley narrowed her eyes at that bitch Joannie Palumbo. "She did not!" Her stalker didn't pay people to go out with her! She blackmailed them like a normal person!

"Whatever." Joannie crossed her arms over her chest. "It doesn't matter. I still win. There's no way she's hotter than Oliver."

Oliver looked apologetically at Miley and placed a comforting hand on Joannie's arm. "Come on, honey. You don't really believe that."

"Oliver! How can you say she's hotter than you?"

"I have eyes, baby! Now don't be a sore loser."

"If I lose, I'll have to shave half my head!"

"Don't yell at me! I told you not to make that stupid bet! I told both of you!"

"You don't understand, Oliver! This is a girl thing!"

Oliver rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Come on, let's go get our picture taken."

"Yeah, you'd better do it now," Lilly said. "It'll be the last one you take with _hair_."

Oliver groaned and started to drag Joannie off. "Nice meeting you, Miley."

"I still say she's not really your date!" Joannie yelled over her shoulder. "You didn't win!"

"That was awesome!" Lilly said. "After Hannah shows up, Joannie's going to have to shave her whole head! She'll be bald!"

"She deserves it. What a bitch." She was almost as bad as that bitch Mikayla!

"Did you see the look on her face? She hated that I won!"

"You didn't win," Miley said.

"What? Of course – "

"I did." The bet was on who had the hottest date. This was just common sense!

Her stalker did a great impression of a fish. "Miley," she said finally. "I – "

"Do you want to dance?" Miley asked quickly.

"What? No, I – "

"It's prom! We should dance!"

"Miley!"

Miley ignored her and headed for the safety of the dance floor. But as soon as they started to dance a slow song came on! Damn it! God still totally hated her!

They nervously stared at each other, not moving one inch closer. Then that bitch Joannie Palumbo appeared next to them with Oliver in tow. "See?" she said. "They won't even dance together. I told you Lilly didn't really have a date! I told you I won the bet!"

Miley locked eyes with Lilly. She took a step forward and put a hand on Lilly's shoulder, picked up her other one and let their fingers slide together. Lilly nodded, just a little, her eyes never leaving Miley's. Her hand settled on the small of Miley's back and Miley felt its warmth radiate through the slick material of her dress. They started to move to the music, which somehow meant they moved closer to each other, bit by bit.

"Come on, leave them alone, dance with me." She could hear Oliver talking to Joannie, but only faintly. It was getting hard to hear anything, even the music. Every time they moved now the fronts of their dresses brushed.

"Miley," her stalker said. Miley inched closer. Lilly did smell really good tonight. Like cotton candy. Miley loved cotton candy. "Miley," Lilly repeated. Miley got a fraction closer. Lilly was warm and Miley could feel her breath on the side of her face. "Miley, the song's over."

Oh. Miley blushed and stopped moving. "Sorry."

"It's okay. Miley..."

Miley was just going to suggest that they go get something to drink when her stalker stood up on tiptoe and kissed her!

Lilly tasted like cotton candy, too. Her mouth opened, gently capturing Miley's, her tongue so light against Miley's bottom lip that Miley almost thought she'd imagined it. But she hadn't, because her own tongue brushed against it as she traced the bow of Lilly's top lip. It was her lip gloss—the cotton candy. Delicious.

Miley's head went dizzy and her muscles melted. They slowly pulled away from each other and Miley sighed. Her stalker had the softest lips.

For a second it was just the two of them, Lilly blinking at her, Lilly's mouth curving into a hopeful smile, and then the music rushed back in, not a slow song anymore, and they were surrounded by other kids dancing and that bitch Joannie Palumbo saying, "Huh. I guess she really is a dykey loser, just like Lilly."

Oh, god. Her stalker just kissed her! In the middle of prom! Miley's hand flew to her lips. She took a step back. Lilly's face fell.

"Joannie!" Oliver said. "That is so not cool! Seriously. I can't believe you'd say that. Not cool." He pushed her away from him and walked off.

"But, Ollie, wait," she whined, following after him.

"Miley," Lilly said. Miley took another step back. "Miley, please – "

Miley turned and ran. She stumbled through the students around her, shoving blindly at them when they didn't move fast enough, and without really knowing how she was out in the parking lot. It was full of limos and she ran among them until one of the drivers opened his door and got out as she went past. "Ma'am?"

Miley clawed open the back door. "Drive," she told him.

"Am I taking you home, ma'am?" he asked, getting back in.

She tumbled into the back, slammed the door. "Just drive."

———————————————

Miley had no idea where she was. She thought she'd been in the limo a long time now, but they could have been driving in a circle around the block for all the attention she was paying the world outside the window.

Lilly kissed her. Kissed her! Who did her stalker think she was? She couldn't just go around kissing people! There were rules against things like that! You didn't go around kissing people who didn't want to be kissed!

And Miley definitely didn't want to be kissed. Lilly didn't have any reason to think Miley wanted to be kissed. Just because Miley had kissed back...

But she had only done it to be polite! What was she supposed to do when she got kissed, stand there doing nothing like a dead elephant? She had a little more class than that!

And, okay, maybe she'd liked the kiss. Maybe Lilly was fun, and funny, and cute, and knew how to get revenge better than anyone Miley had ever met. Maybe Miley liked her. A lot.

But it wasn't like she could start dating her _stalker_! Her _female_ stalker! Just think of the scandal if it got out. Hannah would –

Oh, no. Hannah. Hannah was supposed to be performing at the prom!

Miley looked wildly out the window and mashed the intercom button. "Where are we? What time is it?"

"It's ten thirty, ma'am," the driver said. "And we're – "

"Never mind." She recognized the surroundings now. They must have been driving in a straight line this whole time, no circles. They were way too far away. By the time they got back, prom would be over, and that bitch Joannie Palumbo would have won. "Just...take me home."

She sank back into the seat and swallowed, staring up at the smooth, tan surface of the car roof. Her stalker was never going to forgive her.

———————————————

Miley spent the whole next day texting Lilly. She started off with a couple that just said _i'm sorry_ and moved through a few of _i'm REALLY sorry_ and on to _seriously. i am so so sorry._ Then there was _stalker?_ and _stalker???_ and _stalker??????_ After that she tried _lilly?_ a whole bunch of times and ended up on _lilly, say something. please._

But Lilly didn't. She wasn't answering her phone either. Miley tried calling about a million times. She also went to the beach a couple times, and the skatepark, because somewhere in all that talk talk talking her stalker did, she'd mentioned that she surfed and skated. But apparently not this weekend.

In between all that, Miley channel surfed and kept an eye on the news sites, just in case. But there wasn't anything there, even though Miley stayed up so late Sunday night she fell asleep on the couch with her phone in one hand and the remote in her other and woke up to her dad shaking her shoulder and saying, "Mile, what is going on?"

Miley went to rub her eyes and smacked herself in the forehead with her phone. Which still didn't have any messages on it. "Daddy," she said. "I think I messed up." After all, a stalker like Lilly didn't come around very often. And when one did, you really had to hang onto them, no matter what.

Her dad called the school, and by the time he finished explaining Hannah's deep, abiding commitment to keeping kids off drugs the administration was already herding all the student into the auditorium for a mandatory assembly. Miley jammed the wig on her head and Robby Ray broke the speed limit the whole way to the school, and her dad could actually be a lot of help, in the right situation.

"Do they know I'm here?" Miley asked the principal. He was a short, bald man who hadn't stopped hovering around her since their car pulled up in the parking lot.

"No, no," he assured her. "Your manager was very insistent that this be a surprise. And may I say, Ms. Montana, that we are honored that you would choose our school to – "

"Yeah, glad to help," Miley broke in. She peeked through the curtain at the packed auditorium. This was going to be the smallest audience she'd ever played for. But maybe the most important. "Everyone's in there? All the students? And the sound system's set up?"

He nodded his head and opened his mouth, but Miley took a deep breath and pushed through the curtain before he could say anything. A wave of silence rolled over the auditorium as the students caught sight of her. Then the screaming started.

"Uh," Miley said. There was a microphone set in a stand in the middle of the stage and Miley spoke into it. "Hi." More screaming. Miley was surprised at how nervous she was. She hadn't been this nervous since her first show. She tried to find Lilly, but most of the students were out of their seats now, jumping around.

Okay, Miley told herself. She could do this. She could totally do this! She was Hannah freaking Montana! "Good morning, Seaview High!" she yelled into the mike. "Who's ready to rock?"

The students were extremely vocal in letting her know that they were, in fact, ready to rock. "All right!" Miley shouted. "Then let's rock! But before we start, I just want to say – "

"We love you, Hannah!" shrieked a group of girls in the back.

"Thanks," Miley said. "But – " There was another round of screaming and cheering. God, these people were loud! And she hadn't even sung anything yet! "Guys." More screaming. "_Guys_." Still more screaming, and it looked like a girl halfway back fainted. "Guys, chill! Or I'm leaving!"

They finally shut the hell up. You'd think by high school they would have learned how to do it faster!

"_Thank_ you!" Miley said. "So before we start, I want to let you know there are two reasons I'm here. Number one, it's really important not to do drugs. So just say no, or whatever. And number two..." She looked for Lilly again but still couldn't find her. What if she wasn't there? Why hadn't Miley thought of that before? She'd had to shave half her head! She'd probably stayed home! Damn it!

"Number two is that this weekend I let down a friend of mine." She would just have to go ahead with it. Lilly would hear about it even if she wasn't here, and maybe that would be enough for her to forgive Miley. Or at least start talking to her again.

"A really good friend of mine. I told her I'd come perform at your prom Saturday night." A collective whisper started among the students. Miley spoke over top of it before it could get any louder. She didn't want to have to go through another screaming match before she got this out.

"Unfortunately, that night I had a...personal emergency, and I couldn't make it. And I'm really, really sorry about that. And I really hope she won't hold it – or anything else I might have done – against me. So this – " She nodded to the nerdy AV kid stationed offstage at the sound system and the music started up. " – is for Lilly Truscott."

———————————————

The auditorium was empty. All of the students had filed back to their classes. Miley didn't envy their teachers for the rest of the day. She sat on the edge of the stage, her legs swinging off the side.

"Hey," Lilly said.

Miley twisted around. Lilly had just stepped out from behind the curtain. "Hey." She started to scramble to her feet, but Lilly motioned for her to stay put and sat down next to her instead. "You didn't have to shave your head!"

"Yeah, well..." Lilly smiled and half-shrugged. "We decided that since Joannie lost one bet and I lost the other, neither of us had to shave our heads."

"I'm really sorry," Miley blurted. "I didn't mean to make you lose. I just..."

"It's okay. You pretty much just made up for it. I think I'm the most popular girl in school right now." She held up her camera. "And I got video of the that bitch Joannie Palumbo's face when she saw you come out on stage!"

"Can I see?" Miley asked, grinning.

"Duh," her stalker said, and they bent together over the tiny screen.

"I still don't believe it," came an icy voice from behind them. It was that bitch Joannie Palumbo! "There is no way you're friends with that loser!"

Lilly jumped up, camera in hand, and Miley stood up next to her. "You heard what she said, Joannie," Lilly said. "Everyone did. We're friends. Get over it."

"Yeah, right," Joannie scoffed. "If you're such great friends, then why did we only hear about this friendship now? Why didn't Oliver know about it? He told me he thought you were making it up!"

Lilly shot a look at Miley and didn't say anything.

"There's no way you're friends!" Joannie insisted. "You probably forced her to come today! You're a creepy freak and I bet you're blackmailing her right now!"

That bitch couldn't say that about Lilly! Only Miley was allowed to talk about her stalker like that!

"No, she isn't," Miley said harshly, staring that bitch Joannie Palumbo down. Joannie blinked and shrank away from them. "I'm Hannah Montana. Believe me, _no one_ makes me do anything I don't want to do."

"Really?" Lilly asked in a very small voice.

Miley forgot all about Joannie and turned to Lilly. "Really," she said with a tiny smile. Lilly matched it, which made Miley's grow a couple sizes.

"Oh my god, you freaks!" that bitch Joannie Palumbo yelled. "I should have known! The only reason you'd care about a loser like Lilly is if you're a big gay freak just like her! I bet there's video of you two making out on here!"

She snatched the camera out of Lilly's hands and Miley lunged after it. "No!" Shit! Now she was going to find out the Hannah secret! Miley really wished Joannie had lost both bets and had to shave her whole head. What a bitch!

Joannie danced back out of reach, laughing, and started to scroll through the camera. Lilly put a hand on Miley's arm. "Hannah, relax." Miley glanced at her and Lilly nodded. "It's cool."

"What the hell?" Joannie growled. "The only things on here are me and that idiot Mikayla falling on her face!" She threw the camera down and it slid across the stage right into Lilly's waiting hands.

"Just give it up, Joannie," Lilly said. "You're just jealous Hannah's my friend and not yours."

"Whatever," Joannie yelled, stomping away from them. "You're still a dykey loser!"

"And your boyfriend still broke up with you!" Lilly shouted after her. The auditorium door slamming was Joannie's only answer.

"He did?" Miley asked.

"Yeah. He finally figured out what a bitch she is."

"You don't have the video on the camera anymore."

Lilly fiddled with it. It seemed to have survived the fall intact. "No. I deleted it."

"When?"

"In the car on the way to your house that first day." Lilly looked up at her. "And I never made any copies. I never would have told anyone, you know. Even if you hadn't come today."

"I know," Miley said, and she did. She trusted her stalker with her life. "So...I guess now that you're the most popular girl in school and you have your best friend back, you won't really have a lot of time. You know, for hanging out with anyone else."

"I could find some time," Lilly said softly. She cleared her throat. "But are you sure you want to hang out with someone like me? People are probably going to start thinking you're a dykey loser, and you wouldn't want that."

"I don't know," Miley said. "If I'm a dykey loser, does that mean I get to kiss you again?"

Lilly blushed, and Miley thought that if she played her cards right and was very, very lucky, one day she might find out how far down it went. "Maybe."

"I think I'll risk it then." They got caught up in each other for a moment. Her stalker had the prettiest eyes. Lilly's camera made a noise, turning itself off, and they pulled their eyes away from each other. Miley coughed. "So, uh, my dad's making lasagna tonight, if you want to come. It's a double recipe."

Lilly laughed. "Special sauce?"

"Of course!"

"I'm in."

Miley jumped off the stage, held out a hand to help Lilly down, didn't let go once she was. "You know," Miley said as they walked up the aisle. "I have to say, you're pretty much the best stalker I've ever had."

"I'm not a stalker!"

"Whatever, _stalker_."

"You're one to talk," Lilly said. "Miss I-Couldn't-Go-Five-Seconds-Without-Texting-Or-Calling-All-Weekend."

"I was trying to _apologize_!" Miley defended. "Some people might appreciate the effort!"

"Oh, I do," Lilly said, nodding. "Because I know it must have been a lot of effort. The texting, the calling, and then on top of that, going to the beach and the skatepark. Multiple times." What the hell! How did she know about that! "You know, some people might call that stalking. _Stalker_."

"I'm not a stalker!" Miley yelped. The very idea!

Lilly smiled and laced their fingers together. "Whatever, _stalker_."

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**THE END**

**(Seriously. They're going to start making out soon and they don't want you watching them. So stop stalking, **_**stalker**_**. Go read something else!)**

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End file.
